If I want to stay young, must I create an account on the Tikky Tokky, or whatever they call that moving picture application these days, and eat Tide Pods, biohack my health by swallowing dry pre-workout powder, and do strange 30 second gyrations to raise awareness for the Black Lives Matter movement?

So, like maybe my idea of being a serial killer was shortsighted. Whatever. So I have empathy for the houseflies that I kill and I seriously need to rethink my career trajectory.

Being the rebel that I am, I broke the rules of the sanctuary by sticking my fingers through the mesh wiring of sweet little Kimie’s enclosure. And how could I resist? Kimie beckoned me to come sit by her, leaned her little furry chimpanzee head back and basically said, “Hey asshole. Groom me.”

While everyone else on the planet fears for the world’s impending doom in the fiery inferno that will be the year 2012, I’m looking forward to putting on my Kanye shades, sippin’ some Cristal, and pulling up a front row seat for the next big apocalypse.