Seeking a One Night Stand for the End of the World
While everyone else on the planet fears for the world’s impending doom in the fiery inferno that will be the year 2012, I’m looking forward to putting on my Kanye shades, sippin’ some Cristal, and pulling up a front row seat for the next big apocalypse. Not because I don’t believe in the scientific validity of the 2012 theory (John Cusack taught me all I need to know), but because I fucking LOVE watching the planet being blown to smithereens. Why? Because I get to watch everyone who has ever annoyed the shit out of me die a miserable and sometimes hilarious death. Now I realize this statement might just qualify me for the Aileen Wuornos Upstanding Citizen of the Year award, but hey, who wouldn’t revel in the satisfaction of being the last (wo)man on earth and watching everyone you‘ve ever loved die?
Granted, I understand this assumes I would be smart or physically fit enough to survive a large scale end-of-the-world disaster, but I’d really like to think that my vast love and useless knowledge of catastrophe movies would reap its benefits in this kind of situation. How and why? Well I’m glad you asked…
Would you know what to do if your town sat atop a giant volcano that caused the lake you were rowing your boat in to suddenly become an acidic pool of flesh eating sulfur?
Well then, be thankful I’m with you. The solution is clear- get your dying grandmother to jump out of the boat and push you across the lake to safety a la Dante’s Peak style. She’s lived a good, long life, so be happy for her.
How about if you were about to be drowned in a giant 1,000-foot tidal wave caused by an asteroid crashing into earth?
Easy peasy lemon squeezy. Grab the baby, kiss your parents goodbye (old people are always dead weight, ALWAYS), and hop onto that motorcycle with your shire’s local hobbit to head for higher ground. Or adversely, give your helicopter seat away to that dude from ER, hang out with your dad for a leisurely stroll along the beach, and admit to him, “I’m scared, Daddy” before finally catching that sick, perfect big kahuna. Hang 10 bro!
What’s that you say- you’re trapped on an island with a bunch of velociraptors who are eager for dinner?
Well, first and foremost DON’T GO INTO THE LONG GRASS! Then hold on to your butts, whip out that rape whistle your daddy gave you, and use it to call up your old frenemy, the T. Rex. Yes, mommy’s very angry and she’s ready to tear some velociraptors into fucking shreds. Next head down to the helicopter pad and don’t decide to endorse Mr. Hammond’s park. Got that? Good, clever girl.
Killer robots looking to wipe out the human race got you down?
I can’t stress enough that negotiations are key when dealing with robots, especially Cylon Centaurions. Robots have fucking feelings too, okay? So don’t plan on going all Will Smith on their asses just yet because mainly they’re just looking for somebody to love.
Visitors from another planet causing chaos in your cornfields? Then it’s a general rule of thumb that you should start shooting first and asking questions later. Of course, it’s not entirely unusual for guns to be wholly futile as a means of protection against alien races. In which case consider it a blessing in disguise that your wife got cut in half by that drunk driver who looked remarkably like M. Night Shyamalan playing M. Night Shyamalan. Otherwise, your wife’s upper torso would have never been able to tell your cousin Merill to “swing away.” So instead of guns, try using baseball bats, water, Randy Quaid, or doorknobs to defeat these alien bastards. Also, if none of the above strategies are effective, punch them in the face and say, “Welcome to Earth!” It may not do much, but it’ll sure look cool.
Stuck in a loop that you just can’t quite get out of? Don’t worry mate, go on a shooting rampage first, ask questions later. Slow-motion sequences and violence solve this virtual thought experiment every time. Suck it philosophy 101, I’m staying in this matrix every time!
Now, if your threat revolves less around futuristic or otherworldly beings and more around rage-oriented viruses that cause the mass zombification of the human population, I dare say that you are completely and utterly fucked. I mean generally humans are able to defeat dinosaurs, asteroids, aliens, or robots. But zombies my friend, are in a league of their own. Most zombie movies end with the living dead wreaking total and absolute destruction upon humanity. It’s like this for a reason- zombies are the ultimate force of nature. So, if they do happen to take over the earth you really only need to follow these four simple steps:
1. Find a loaded gun.
2. Stick the loaded gun in your mouth.
3. Shout, “Yipee ki-yi-yay motherfucker” for dramatic effect.
4. Pull the trigger.
Hopefully, my advice for these imminent disaster scenarios will one day save your life, but mainly my own. You can thank me now by mailing your generous donations to my Austin address. See you in another life, brotha.