PLEASE QUIT YELLING AT ME HULU!
It’s Thursday night and I’m watching a documentary on Hulu about the carnage wreaked by some lame white dude who didn’t get enough love from his mother… You know the one. Spoiler alert: it’s every documentary ever made about serial killers. As the commercial for Skyrizi begins screaming to me about how taking this medication may cause side effects such as violent defecation, I think two things to myself,
1.) Hulu is aggro. Like legit, I don’t want to buy your ad-free service. If anything, you forcing your ads to be pumped out at volume 100 makes me want to use your service even less. I know what you’re not so subtly trying to do Hulu, and this psychological warfare makes me want to infiltrate your servers and destroy your company from within.
and
2.) Huh. Women really need to keep up. Why aren’t we more concerned about the gender gap in serial killers? Like alright men, you got us at abortion, but this? This is a matter of fighting for our right to kill too. Equal rights for female serial killers.
Currently, us women basically have an all-star roster of two major female serial killers. The uglified version of Charlize Theron (aka Aileen Wuornos), who killed a few peeps by the single digits during her stint as a prostitute. So like, some of those were probably warranted. But yeah, ok, she also did some bad stuff for fun too. However, none of it even compares to this chick from the 1600s who was killing in the hundreds. That’s right, I’m talking over 600 victims. Like ladies, pay attention. This is #goals.
Still have no clue who I’m talking about? Well get one, it’s Elizabeth Bathory. She killed hundreds upon hundreds of young girls in Hungary during the 1500s, and she fucking got away with it. Man, I wish I could live back then. I mean whatever, I know there’s the black plague and cholera and blah blah blah, but I could basically commit any crime I wanted to, to whomever I wanted to, and get away with it easy peasy. How completely and utterly awesome would that be? Plus, no one ever suspects us women of anything other than witchcraft, so time to flip that serial killer stereotype on its head.
Anyways, basically, Bathory founded some boarding and etiquette school for young Hungarian girls and convinced people’s parents to send their daughters off to this remote place for months on end. Only thing was, turns out, Bathory was batshit crazy. She was, as legend has it, obsessed with aging and convinced herself that bathing in blood was the be-all-end-all cure to it. So these poor little virginal girls wound up getting the holy bejeesus beat out of them, being brutally tortured, and eventually drained of blood.
So, like maybe my idea of being a serial killer was shortsighted. Whatever. So I have empathy for the houseflies that I kill and I seriously need to rethink my career trajectory. We’ve all been there, right?
Now you may be asking yourself, how exactly, did Bathory get away with such wacky hijinks? Well, her mansion was situated in such a remote location that escaping from it was certain death. The only reason her little killing habit ever got discovered was when some dude was smart enough to ask the question, “Hey, where are all the adolescent girls in this town? I’m horny!” And so he launched an investigation and eventually found Bathory to be guilty of at least 80 (out of over 600) deaths. Then she got locked in a room until she died, basically.
So Bathory is kind of my anti-role model. She was a badass and all, but just in maybe, the wrong sorts of ways. I dunno, I’m not saying I want to be like her, but if I could be as fucking insane as her, I think my life could attain a level of greatness. Like Batman. Who’s rewarded when he does the exact same shit.
While I don’t condone killing, I do condone equal rights for women. So do with that what you will ladies. I’m gonna go pay for this ad-free service on Hulu.